Muscular Dystrophy

I sit here and stare
at a pedigree tree
If the two parents of the couple
were brother and sister,
what is the probablitiy
that the couple's first child
will be an affected boy?
I think and I think
I write and erase
I daddle and doodle
and I finally realize,
who the fuck
is sick enough
to mate
consanguineously

Van Gogh

Last night we witnessed Van Gogh's Starry Night Over the Rhone. We sat atop a cold crooked cement cylinder that only a giant could climb. We're not very big people, but our spirits must have been that night. Dangling for life, we overlooked the pier, and the pier overlooked the black ocean, and the black ocean overlooked us. In place of the moon, there was a green light, blinking sporadically like the DSL signal of our modem. But unlike our modem, we never lost connection.

Musical Musings

CHARACTERS

go limabeans: girl in LA
shinokuu: friend of go limabeans

ACT I

go limabeans (3:25:19 AM): Paulina trusts Fernando
shinokuu (3:25:28 AM): hahhahah
shinokuu (3:25:34 AM): man thats funny
go limabeans (3:26:03 AM): I know, makes me laugh every time I see it written in my notebook
shinokuu (3:26:21 AM): if you ever lose that notebook
shinokuu (3:26:28 AM): that would suck
go limabeans (3:28:46 AM): Yea it would
go limabeans (3:29:00 AM): All my thoughts
go limabeans (3:29:06 AM): It's really interesting to look back
go limabeans (3:29:09 AM): on stuff you write
go limabeans (3:29:10 AM): years later
shinokuu (3:29:30 AM): for me, i like to forget the past
go limabeans (3:30:06 AM): Why is that?
shinokuu (3:33:22 AM): i dont know
shinokuu (3:33:33 AM): i just never really think about my past
shinokuu (3:33:39 AM): probably because you cant do much
go limabeans (3:34:13 AM): you can't do much, but you can learn a lot

ACT II

shinokuu (3:56:52 AM): when im thinking, i usually listen to music
shinokuu (3:57:05 AM): i think thats my way of "writing"
go limabeans (3:58:25 AM): Do you have any songs that come up frequently?
shinokuu (3:58:58 AM): there is one song
shinokuu (3:59:01 AM): that ive been listening to
shinokuu (3:59:17 AM): all good things come to an end - nelly furtado
shinokuu (3:59:20 AM): sad song
shinokuu (4:00:20 AM): it's not what i normally listen to, but it just stood out
shinokuu (4:00:53 AM): whenever i listen to it
shinokuu (4:00:56 AM): i just think
shinokuu (4:01:03 AM): all the things that happened to me
shinokuu (4:01:05 AM): past, present
shinokuu (4:01:11 AM): good things do come to end
shinokuu (4:01:13 AM): they never last
shinokuu (4:01:34 AM): you try to make the best of it

ACT III

shinokuu (4:08:05 AM): is there a song that you listen to a lot
go limabeans (4:08:34 AM): Yea lots
shinokuu (4:08:47 AM): is there that one particular
shinokuu (4:08:52 AM): that you cant get your mind off of
go limabeans (4:09:18 AM): Eleanor Rigby
shinokuu (4:09:28 AM): ah beatles
shinokuu (4:10:35 AM): what comes out of your mind?
go limabeans (4:11:27 AM): A mumbo jumbo of stuff
go limabeans (4:11:30 AM): like
go limabeans (4:11:50 AM): how many people are lonely in the world
go limabeans (4:12:11 AM): and no one really notices
go limabeans (4:15:27 AM): we are so adept at putting on disguises
go limabeans (4:15:45 AM): that no one knows how we're truly feeling
go limabeans (4:15:56 AM): and on our deathbeds we realize we are alone in that manner
go limabeans (4:18:36 AM): I listen to Lola often too
go limabeans (4:19:10 AM): it kind of scares me that i listen to it so often
go limabeans (4:19:29 AM): esp since it's about a tranny
shinokuu (4:19:39 AM): oh really?
go limabeans (4:19:56 AM): Yea haha

ACT IV

shinokuu (4:31:03 AM): i think music are like people
shinokuu (4:31:14 AM): whenever we have a problem or a roller coaster of emotions
shinokuu (4:31:19 AM): we generally listen to music
shinokuu (4:31:23 AM): because we can relate
shinokuu (4:31:43 AM): we listen to music when we don't have anybody to talk to or rant to
shinokuu (4:32:14 AM): you feel better because somebody is going through the same thing
go limabeans (4:33:35 AM): yep
go limabeans (4:34:51 AM): Music is the universal language

Dec. 28, 2008

I like even years

I like the world when I'm half-awake, half-asleep, and ten-percent-logical.

Tactfully,
T.J.

My dirty little secret

Currently listening to "Here Comes the Sun" by George Harrison. They should've let him write more songs.

I'm sitting on my couch. A lethargic couch potato. In my lethargic living room. With a big black screen staring at me, like some sort of ominous vacuum, spewing photons at 300,000 kilometres a second. They must've knocked some sense into my head. For I've just come to realize, I am so. Disgustingly. Sophomoric. So here's to a new year. And resolutions of my own volition.

A List of Vocations:
- interior designer
- sporadic writer
- kindergarten teacher
- naturalist
- food eater person

A List of People:
- Jane Goodall
- William Carlos Williams
- Seu Jorge
- Pocahontas
- Cooking Mama

A List of Something(?):
- tangible
- human
- alive
- naive
- hopeful

Tactfully,
T.J.

Blacksy

Currently listening to "The Happiest Christmas Tree" by Nat King Cole. Coming from a Christmas and jazz music aficionado, this is probably the single worst Christmas song I've ever heard. Ever.

So these past few days, I've been spending time with my sisters in Davis. They work during the day, come home tired in the afternoon, and take me out at night. I wake up early, make breakfast for them, lounge around an unfamiliar apartment for a while, make lunch when they get back, and like the excited little child I am, go out with them after a tedious day of nothing, really. We come home, I make dinner, we watch a romantic comedy, chat about how unrealistic some films can be (but secretly wish otherwise), and go to sleep. Boring, right? No, not really. As unbecoming as it is for a woman in the 21st century to enjoy the likes of a housewife (read the description of my typical day again), I actually really like it. I like caring for my sisters, I like seeing a warm look of satisfaction and gratitude replace the glazed stare of hunger and weariness after a long day at work, I quietly swell up with pride when they ecstatically devour my home-cooked meals and are immediately re-energized to embark on a rainy night journey with me into downtown Davis. I repeat, as unbecoming as it is for a woman in the 21st century to enjoy the likes of a housewife, I wouldn't mind being a housewife (for how long, is the question). Not to say I don't want to get a job or be economically independent or anything of the sort. No, I sure as hell would, but I think being a housewife appeals to me because I like helping other people, and loving them, and sacrificing a little of myself for them. I like caring for other people, especially when the feeling is mutual, and in many ways, I've lost that feeling ever since I got to LA. In LA, I feel like everything is, in the words of the Beatles, "I, Me, Mine". I study for me. I do this for me. I do that for me. I feel so fucking selfish all the time. Don't get me wrong, there are people I really care about in LA, and while I can't be there for them all the time, I show them through little actions, like cooking for them, spending time with them, helping them study, playing a song for them, surprising them on their birthdays, walking to their apartment at 3:00 am in the morning to be with them, etc etc., you get the idea. And while I don't verbally express a lot of my sentiments (I'm extremely guarded with my feelings, it's not a very good trait), I show people they mean a lot to me through these actions, and if they're perceptive enough, they know I care. But my point is, I haven't found anyone in LA I would give 110% of myself to. I haven't found anyone I would drop my books for to do something as simple as, say, watch the sun rise or the rain fall. I haven't found anyone I would share my whole heart, body, and mind with. I suspect that's what one would call "love." And even though I personally haven't been in love, I miss that feeling. I know, you're probably thinking, that doesn't make any sense, because how could I miss something I've never felt? Well, then, maybe I have been in love, but I highly doubt that. I think I've been close to falling in love, but I don't think I could fall in love with someone who'd knowingly love me just for a day. And shit, with both sappy fairytale definitions and heartbroken "been there, done that" definitions of "love" being thrown at you left and right, who can really tell what love is nowadays? Nay, not me.

On a lighter note, I welcome you to: http://yummypicks.blogspot.com. My mantra: food and music make anything better.

Tactfully,
T.J.

I Was Kind of Tired When I Wrote This

Now you're a little bit of a letdown
Like the shady stars of a polluted night sky
Like the stars that do not exist
when you search and search,
but do exist when you stop looking.
The stars that happen to appear
in the peripheral vision
of your sad pussy eye

It's 3:00 am, it's very late at night
or would you like to consider it
very early in the city morning?
The chilly city morning that chills you with
its lonliness and its individualism
but heats you with its mad sporadic humbums
that roam the greenest intersections
and speak the honest-est truths

Time for a stroll, to assure the depressed,
the high, the weirdos, the fools, the selfish,
that in the end, it's gonna be okay
Running towards nothing, screaming, Moloch! Moloch!
into the eerie silence of the night, trying to minimize
attention? hah! the unconscious begs to differ
it lusts for misery, hate, rape! gyrating, moaning
in an empty fetal position

Under the streetlight, the shadow follows the feet
but by light of car, the feet follow the shadow
running, running -- I bid you farewell, they say.
If you run faster, I run faster, too.
so stop. stop running. inhale! exhale!
but even standing still, your shadow moves faster
than you. it's no wonder, shadows roam
this sad city, like the aforementioned humbum vagabonds.
maybe, maybe They
are the flesh our shadows?

Maybe we are they
or maybe they are us
or maybe, maybe
We are all Each Other