Soul-cleansing time

Currently listening to Death Cab for Cutie's "I will Possess your Heart"...it's been on replay in my mind for the longest time. There's something unusually irksome about it, but whatever it is, it works.

I'd like to share a passage I wrote in my journal. It was written a few days ago, on Sunday, December 14, during a snow get-away to Big Bear. I expected (how hypocritical, I can't stand expectations) the trip to be a mere time for relaxation after a gruesome week of finals, but it turned out to be so much more. While I enjoyed playing games and bonding with 34 amazing people, what made the trip for me were the moments spent utterly alone and the spontaneously personal conversations with people who were coincidentally present on the bend of a staircase. I wrote this journal entry after trekking to the lake:

"Today I experienced nature in its entirety. There was no sign of life except for the stillness of the trees and the wariness of the ducks. It felt good. It was liberating. I sat down, took out my sketchbook and sketched and breathed and lived. Each breath pierced me like an icy stake to my lungs, perpetually imprinted in my waking soul. At that moment, alone and unjudged, who was I? "I" was nothing. I was nothing without the two-faced force of expectations and impressions. I was experiencing the empty realization that I didn't know who "I" was without external societal pressures. We grow up with people telling us what to do, how do it, molding us, so that when we experience a moment like this, the mold cracks and we are left an empty shell. I am curious to know if anyone will ever be able to figure out this enigma. I have a feeling we aren't meant to know, that the escapade is eternal...otherwise, moments like this wouldn't exist, and that would be a tragedy."

A tragedy, indeed.

Tactfully,
T.J.

Just because

Listening to MJ's "Billy Jean" and loving it. What can I say? It's a modern classic.

Tonight I am sitting in Kerkchoff's coffee shop, surrounded by a mass of frazzled college students cramming for finals (myself included). After attempting to swallow some complicated math business - and failing quite miserably - I have decided to take a break and think about what it is about life that makes it worth living for. Off the top of my head, here's my list of sunshine and butterflies:

- Creating something and calling it mine
- Intense existential thinking (kind of ironic that this is under a list of what makes life worth living)
- Expression through art
- Mustard yellow
- Design, drawing, painting, Photoshop
- Learning the sciences (organic chemistry, biology, ecology, etc.)
- Sweat trickling down my face after an exhausting run
- EATING GOOD FOOD!! especially meat
- Listening to genius music (ahh Beatles!!!)
- Watching films with some meaning, but with an even better soundtrack
- Conservation, recycling
- Hiking, camping, exploring, trailblazing (especially in Yosemite!)
- The Spanish culture and language
- South Park (Cartman!)
- Watching sappy movies and laughing at how heinously unrealistic they are and crying at the same time wishing such things were real
- Mismatching, funky colored nail polish
- Thrifting, vintage stores
- Laughing at the stupidest things when I lack sleep
- When spontaneous moments turn into the best moments
- The stars and the city lights


I will add more as I think of them.

Tactfully,
T.J.

Waking life

Currently listening to Rocky Votolato's "She was Only in it for the Rain." I want to rape this song, it's that great to me. The melodic tune, the lyrics, the concept - pure bliss.

If I had any self-control, I would be studying for finals. But I just had a random thought I wanted to write about before losing it in oblivion, which I admit happens quite frequently. As with all else in life, it's never as meaningful the second time around. But jumping on the bandwagon, my thought for today is: What is a dream? I feel there is much more to dreams than the generic definition of "a series of images and thoughts experienced while in the REM stage of sleep" or some form of that.

Honestly, I think we have dreams and consciousness reversed. Consciousness is supposed to be the state in which we act towards the achievement of our wants and needs. We go to school, work, do this, do that to get ourselves closer to a goal. It supposedly represents reality and truth. To me, dreams are truth. Dreams show us what we truthfully want or don't want. They show us more about ourselves than anything, they show us what we would do, how we would live without external or internal restrictions. On the other hand, our conscious state of mind, our doubts, insecurities, prevent us from accomplishing what we really want to. It's not our unconscious dreams that constitute unrealistic hopes because everything is possible, but it's our conscious state of mind that inhibits them.

I say this because I had a dream last night that showed me more about myself than I wanted to know. It showed me the truth of a situation I am currently dealing with. That's the thing about dreams, they'll give you the cold, hard truth, nothing more, nothing less. After that, it's up to us to either act upon this new piece of knowledge or to let our consciousness screw it all up and tell us we can't do it.

Does this mean the only way to live is to remain in an eternally unconscious state of mind...to never wake up?

Tactfully,
T.J.