Soul-cleansing time

Currently listening to Death Cab for Cutie's "I will Possess your Heart"...it's been on replay in my mind for the longest time. There's something unusually irksome about it, but whatever it is, it works.

I'd like to share a passage I wrote in my journal. It was written a few days ago, on Sunday, December 14, during a snow get-away to Big Bear. I expected (how hypocritical, I can't stand expectations) the trip to be a mere time for relaxation after a gruesome week of finals, but it turned out to be so much more. While I enjoyed playing games and bonding with 34 amazing people, what made the trip for me were the moments spent utterly alone and the spontaneously personal conversations with people who were coincidentally present on the bend of a staircase. I wrote this journal entry after trekking to the lake:

"Today I experienced nature in its entirety. There was no sign of life except for the stillness of the trees and the wariness of the ducks. It felt good. It was liberating. I sat down, took out my sketchbook and sketched and breathed and lived. Each breath pierced me like an icy stake to my lungs, perpetually imprinted in my waking soul. At that moment, alone and unjudged, who was I? "I" was nothing. I was nothing without the two-faced force of expectations and impressions. I was experiencing the empty realization that I didn't know who "I" was without external societal pressures. We grow up with people telling us what to do, how do it, molding us, so that when we experience a moment like this, the mold cracks and we are left an empty shell. I am curious to know if anyone will ever be able to figure out this enigma. I have a feeling we aren't meant to know, that the escapade is eternal...otherwise, moments like this wouldn't exist, and that would be a tragedy."

A tragedy, indeed.

Tactfully,
T.J.